If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
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I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Still a very good boi….
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct