Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
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Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare