It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
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There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Well, that should do it
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?