Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
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What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Hmm, not sure about this change
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?