How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
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Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
monday
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.