I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
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Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.