I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
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Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
jesus christ confetti not now
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout