Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
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me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
A double negative is a big no-no.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
rise and shine we got egg
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.