Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
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Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
The Punning Dead.
he was correct
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.