I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
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I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
How times have changed.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?