Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
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I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children