teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
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Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
the three branches of government
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.