Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
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Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best