Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
You Might Also Like
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.