If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
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i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”