*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
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I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I’m not wrong
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Yes my dude
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend