My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
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genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I’ve been drinking.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Huge, if true.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor