OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
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That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.