Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
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Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Alexa: *deep breath*
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!