Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
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Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
asking santa clause for nudes
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.