Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
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Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*