I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
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My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”