boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
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Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”