date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
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I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
why no one uses midhusbands
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Risking my life for fun.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol