I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
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7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”