You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
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Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.