Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
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Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
that lip filler tho
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.