universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
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drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
lmao
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Nigella has gone too far this time.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.