I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
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I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”