A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
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Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
584.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
No, I don’t think I will.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already