I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
You Might Also Like
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
This is hilarious….
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”