If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
You Might Also Like
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Saturday
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.