My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
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“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there