[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
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I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
was Jim off killing horses or…
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.