Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
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Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.