Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
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I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Me driving through Toronto
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm