Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
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11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
They’re called werewolves.