[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
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“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me