ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
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Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.