thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
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I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?