DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
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Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
At least he brought enough for everyone
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall