Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
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Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
This is what makes twitter great
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math