She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
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Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
what the hell pray for carter everyone
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.