HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
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The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.