shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
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I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
being a writer on Twitter:
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.