Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
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Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!