I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
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I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*