I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
You Might Also Like
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.