Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
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I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.