God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
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“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
What flavor cupcake are these
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
So, can we agree on 4 or